"forward" motion

"cause forward motion is harder than it sounds well everytime i gain some ground i gotta turn myself around again"

this week and day added a new dimension to my Relient K listening pleasure. forward motion... it's nice to finally have some forward motion but at times seems to be more of a retracing of steps rather than gaining new ground. this ground... it's cracked, broken, a lot different than before...

why not

boo! the word that started the day seems to linger throughout it...

holding on

let it go. no, i can't. why not? it's mine, it hurts, i want control. it's not yours at all. oh no? no, i've got it... just give it to me. if i give it to you that means i'm trusting you to do what is in my best interest and i'm accepting what you do with it. and you can't trust me?-- i have your best interests in mind. they don't feel like my best interests. they are... believe it or not i work all things for good... no matter how stubborn you are. i don't want to be stubborn, i want to trust, i want to get it without falling down so hard. i know my child, i know. of course you do... then why can't i trust? i'll trust you at some point... ill give it up at some point. why don't you give it to me now? you mean choose to let go and save myself the pain of trying to do it myself until i'm forced to let go when i realize i can't???

...you know what... maybe i will.

naked and without shame

shame... a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace...

left naked treading water in an ocean storm. resue-- necessary. shame-- inevitable. its time to send out an sos, this is known, certain, revealed-- fear. keep treading... keep treading...

the life boat is in view... waiving it down means secrets become exposed. "the ship went under and here i am to tell about it, naked".

in that nakedness i cannot bear to look at myself... yet cannot aptly see through myself either. when others gaze upon my exposure, the rawness, deficiencies, they merely wade in the shame that drowns me.

keep treading... keep treading... the clothes became hindrance when trying to stay afloat. they're goin now and there's nothing else to take off. in each layer removed, more real unaviodable this embarrassing rescue becomes. the longer i tread in the water, the more tired i become... closer to death and no further from shame. the life boat is in view... waiving it down means--

silence shouts decibles

"Simplicity is freedom. Duplicity is bondage. Simplicity brings joy and balance. Duplicity brings anxiety and Fear." -- Richard J. Foster

.....time for a lifestyle change.

seeing the faces. hearing the stories. contemplating the statistics. reading the verses. my life needs to change. time to start allowing Jesus to reign in my life. time to start relizing that i am created for his pleasure alone... those with disease and poverty are created for his pleasure alone.

he is not pleased with the poverty that is taking over africa, india, russia, all over the world. he isn't pleased with the success satan is having with the HIV/AIDS pandemic, while christians sit back and watch it happen or worse yet-- ignore it, considering it too big or "not of our concern". We may not speak it but we don't need to because our actions are shouting. quoted from Hotel Rwanda americans say. "that's horrible, and go on eating their dinner". we cannot deny it... i cannot deny it. i'm sick of being an america citizen. i want to be a world citizen.

conviction rose up in me while sitting at the HIV/AIDS summit at wheaton college. conviction because of voices that go unheard, conviction because i am entrusted with much and i waste it and conviction because bask in the sin of omission. those are just to name a few... ignorance.

It's time to pray more, advocate more, listen more, serve more. it's time to make it personal. "The body of Christ is HIV positive". what am I going to do about it? Jer. 22

questionable disease

questions... why am i so afraid of them? is it the answer? the vulnerability? both? more? probable.

jesus continues to heal this disease i have called pride.. even when i resist the treatment. who am i? better yet... who is he? he isn't prideful. great. but the question was "who is he?" he is humble. he is in me, so because of that, i am humble. if i'm not humble then i am not being who i am.

i sit contemplative after a much needed conversation with my roommate. i asked her questions, questions that at one point my disease would have kept me from asking them. questions that make me feel vulnerable and unknowledgable when at one point i thought i knew what it was to be vulnerable. chew on that contrast... i can't seem to swallow it.

an old friend

met up with an old friend today... it's been too long. he's always been there, but inaccessable for a while. circumstance wouldn't really allow us to connect. it's strange with this friend. even though events kept us apart and even though it's a lot different then the last time we saw one another, there exists a peace. i feel at peace with him...peace and quite, piece of mind. with him i'm able to think, process, say dumb things and realize sooner than later how dumb they actually are. he's patient, waits, gives me space.... with this friend, inversely the ups are harder and the downs are some what of a relief. i won't lie; at times being with him means pain... tiredness... on the urge of giving up... but i love him and haven't been able to show that for a while. many wouldn't even know that we knew eachother.

this friend... teaches me a lot, and gives me something i need. he gives me time to be with another Friend. he gives me that spot, a place of uninterupted, concentrated connection that was missing ever since the willow got torn down and building went up. my friend helps me see my other Friend better, hear him better. that's worth enduring the ups and downs. so worth it.

eighth street... my friend... good to see you again.

not on dido's ship

"Iraqi army officers forced their conscripts to hand over any and all articles of white clothing, including undershirts and socks, lest they be tempted to surrender to American forces."

no one took away this white flag, undershirts, socks....to use at that moment of neither fight or flight. submission. surrender. giving something or self over to the power of another. humbling, yes.... defying, yes....dangerous, yes... vulnerable, yes... painful, yes... after the process of elimination, after every option has been evaluated and attempted...comes the "stainless banner". O that white flag went up... a few of them actually. was there a choice in the matter? iraqi officers eliminate the possibility of free will, not always, only for their conscripts.

"At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice". --maya angelou

self-created

the state of being alone in solitary isolation... yet surrounded

slowing down

do you ever find yourself so far gone, so fallen behind that catching up isn't an option anymore. i think for a second, maybe it isn't about catching up at all. and for another moment i know that it isn't the issue at all. no more than a split second later i find myself trying to catch up again. if it isn't about catching up, what is it? quiting? running the other way? starting over again?

quiting... easy-- that very instant you make the choice, relieving, it brings a sense of closure. somehow the decision to cut off from the reality seems clean, finished but then comes awareness-- another bittersweet experience. suddenly you become aware that even though you became detatched, cut off; reality persists. quiting changes nothing and everything all at once. quiting doesn't necessarily change the present struggle but adds a new aspect: regret.

running the other way... an excellent way to become very tired. at first glance a nice jog or sprint doesn't seem like a bad option, in fact it looks appealing. do not be fooled; that sprint turns into suicides and that jog turns into a marathon. but don't worry because after you are done runnning you have to run all the way back to where you came from. Often times it is much easier running away than finding the way back and it seldom looks the same as when you left. running the other way-- ephemism; running the wrong way-- that's more like it.

starting over again... almost an oxymoron in itself. unrealistic if nothing else.

so what is the solution? i guarentee it cannot be found in a word or in a 2-3 word phrase but something tells me that it has a bit more to do with slowing down than catching up. when constantly trying to catch up, you create this transparent frontage of stamina, endurance, notion. slowing down... creates vulnerability, provokes critique, induces assistance.

i choose slowing down... hopefully what i've fallen behind with take notice and come back and meet me where i am. whether i could have or i couldn't have kept up.... i didn't. catching up is not an option and i think that maybe it shouldn't be.

somewhere in between

he tells the hebrews "throw off the sin that so easily entanlges", and i say easily throw off the sin that entangles. some error in translation exists from the bible to my mind. actively waiting... for God to change my heart and mind seems a much better but harder choice to take over attempting to manipulate that change myself. waiting... while the familiar stays unfamiliar, even who i am. I AM not. isn't that just the point. this relization that who and what i am is completely outside of amanda. it isn't about me, it isn't. seeking to be delivered from self-centeredness in this self-centered world...