as the world turns

i have been realizing this summer how interestingly the things and people in your life that maybe were part of your life for a long time can take on different forms as you grow…

for example, downtown—when i was a middle-schooler i thought i was so chill when i would go down there and go into the 3 story nike towns and 8 story sports authority looking for aback-seven bearings for my rollerblades. when i entered high school i thought i was so cool and mature visiting my MBI college friends… funny how MBI and cool went together in my mind :). then when my college friends graduated i thought it was sweet to be able to take my suburbanite friends into the city and somewhat know my way around. then again, when I went to college, i thought it was nice to be able to bring out my rural college and camp friends into the city. now the city looks so much different to me. it’s a lot less about me and my image and more about the people i’m amongst. now the streets don’t look the same, the L-stops don’t look the same, the homeless don’t look the same, a visit to the loop—not the same.

in a way i’ve lost my innocence. in a way i’m glad because so much of that innocence was also coupled with ignorance. i’m learning that homelessness has a lot more to do with the broken family than the broke pocket. i’m seeing that for some, there is no such thing as a second chance—i can get away with things while many others cannot. i’m starting to understand what it means to want something more for someone than they want it for themselves.

rain on the parade

this weekend may have been the first time i've really felt the true difficulty of this ministry. it was pride weekend this weekend. is actually rained on the pride parade today but yesterday it was beautiful. my friend laurie came to visit and we unsucessfully ventured out to find a music store because i broke my g-string again. i don't know why i didn't just ask one of the people on staff that play if they knew where to get a string??? that's just me making my life more difficult than it needs to be i suppose.

side note-- right now it is raining and i'm sitting in my front room in the dark, listening to the rain failing along with a very chill mix. i like that.

back to the walk...on the way to the nonexistant music store on 5500 N clark st., laurie and i found a brown elephant thrift store. i might go back there because i found the sweetest brown and wihte dishes. i also fell upon some cassettes (some of my favorite things about thrift stores, only because i don't own a turn table)-- billy joel, the dazed and confused soundtrack, nothing but a she thing and one more whose name has escaped me presently where all fine purchases totalling 2 dollars and 28 cents...so the walk was not completely wasted, not to mention it was nice to be with laurie.

one unexpected occurances on that walk back was the special guest appearance of the dikes on bikes parade. that's right, it is exactly how it sounds-- about 4 blocks worth of bikeres and marchers with GLBT signs. a lot of the signs and comments coming through the megaphone were pretty obnoxious, typical of any "individuals". i don't say this because they were gay but bacause many times people trying to make a point are frankly more obnoxious than effective. but one sign though caught my eye. i liked it in a way. it was plain white with black letters, reading, "I'm not a social issue, I'm a person". something to think about.

as for the rest of the weekend, my two roommates and i went down to boystown on saturday night. it wasn't since highschool that i had been down there on a saturday night and not since junior year had it been pride weekend and i was down there. wow, you would think that everyone was living a homosexual lifestyle. at the beginning of the night we just hung out at the broadcasting company, which is a small bar/club and then the streets filled up even more. i must say the spirit of sex and lust in the air was somewhat tangible.

we didn't stay out very late that night. it was hard as well to see our guys out on the streets. in highschool i could go down to boystown to hangout and enjoy the culture, now that i know the guys on the streets, by name, by face, by story. i'm glad i was there saturday but it taught me that i can't go down there for me, frankly i don't want to. i'm there for them, i think god made that clear to my heart at least for now.

first time...

today was a LOADED in so many ways. i can't decide if it was an encouraging or frustrating day. today included many firsts...

• first time planning a bible study for the guys
• first time i saw up close and personal what crack does to a person when they get high (this was slightly scary)
• first time reporting drug usage
• first time i used some auhority where i work
• first time eating a meal cooked by one of our volunteers (which doesn't seem significant but she is an old english woman that goes around greeting everyone with a kiss on the cheek. plus she is known by the guys as the best cook at Emmaus
• first time watching King Kong (kind of disturbing)
• first time using a fax machine
• first time going to a treatment center to visit a guy
• first time going to a closed NA meeting
• first time going on outreach with Chris
• first time admitting what it is i really want (even if its just right now)
• first time having a conversation with someone that is schitzophrenic
• first time watcing the sunrise from my apartment

like i had said, LOADED. i don't know exactly know what to do with all of the information that is going through my head right now but i wanted to get it down. goodnight... or goodmorning i suppose.

got a solid dollar?

i want so much to act but i know right now that i just need to observe and listen buti just don't want my observation to turn into inaction...

as the days go on i realize that the more i learn the more i don't understand. i know its cliche but its barebroken truth. i find that i'm a lot more naive than i thought i was and that reason that i'm not okay with that is probably due to pride. its not the good kind of naive either, you know the "oh, i didn't know that dirty word or name for something questionable or inappropriate". no. it's the bad kind of naive, that "you just took me for a ride as i gave you a solid dollar when you only gave me 70 cents" kind (which did happen tonight). its that "i thought i knew the answers for you" or even "i thought i knew the answers for myself". i am seeing that i have a lot less of the answers for either of those people and in thinking that i do have them-- i'm short changing myself.

i'm realizing too that i still possess that idea that i can come in a save you (whoever you is). i don't like that. working on change...

music comes out to play

so i wrote a song yesterday... first one i've written in over a year and its actually kind of "cute" for lack of better words. still has meaning but not quite as deep as most of my other songs and its actually on the guitar which is another change...

here's the chorus:
a whole lot can happen in such a short time
just jump in line and soon you'll find
that just ten minutes can change your mind
so that what was good now's not right
and whats gone wrong now seems fine (you think i'm lyin').

it's nice to write... i in know way aspire to be a selling songwriter but just able to bring a smile to the face of Him and others. it feels good to get some thoughts out in music. i've missed it. i'm actually pretty surprised that i put any of the song on this site... oh well...
goodnight.

happy birthday...

the streets of downtown chicago were slow tonight but slow still means active. four familiar faces turned around the normal corners and two new faces... young faces. oh and you can't forget running into "one of the good guys", he said, that just wanted "70 cents more for a cold-ass beer"-- at least he's honest. i still didn't have the change. our guys here will tell you don't give money to anybody on the street, they are just asking so they can get drugs or beer. this is true, they would know and its especially true in uptown where you can practically throw a rock and hit a S.S. agency serving at least 1 of 3 hot meals a day. still a piece of me goes out to the honest ones, "one of the good guys".

as for the action downown, i see that suv circle the block five times, and no he's not looking for a parking spot. then, on his 25th birthday, my man "J" gets dropped off by the same suv 20 minutes later. happy birthday...i wonder if watching the men...boys getting picked up and dropped off will get any easier... i hope not.

the cops come in to crack down... on the hustlers that is. one question: why not crack down on the johns too? they are necessary for the transaction. they are taking advantage of these men and boy's vulnerable state. but then again why not crack down on the three white 25 year old males drunk and peeing on the sidewalk? the johns and the peeing exhibitors don't have at least one of two things in common with the hustlers: poor and black.

it is true through, the buyers are much less likely to get arrested. one statistic in Knoxville between July of 1998 and January 2000, KPD filed 36 charges against johns for patronizing prostitutes. during that same time frame, KPD filed 127 charges against alleged prostitutes. that's nearly four times as many, are we saying there are more hustlers than johns... unlikely

another statistic from a FBI crime report says that in 1970, about 20 percent of prostitution arrests throughout the country were men. But by 1998 that percentage had risen to about 42 percent.

i wonder if watching the men...boys getting picked up and dropped off will get any easier... i hope not.

payday

who knew the ministry center would turn into a day of jam session, wendy's spicey chicken sandwiches and a breakthrough with "L". the sounds of marley, caedman and dmb filled the room with some dispatch to boot. "R" loved it as he too played his tune as i tried to pick up. i felt at home today in the emmaus house. lonely but at home as only 3 guys came in today...

bone thugs "wake up, wake up, wake up it's the first of the month..." means a whole new thing to me as work gets slower and the zombies tend to fill the streets going up and coming down from that high.

'Cause it's the first of the month. And now I be smokin', chokin', rollin' blunts, and sippin' on forty ounces, thuggin', come, come, we got the blunts and rum. From jumpin' all night, we high. Hit up the block to where? East 99. I get with my nigga to get me some ye-yo. Double up, nigga, what you need? We got weed to get P.O.D.'ded. Fiend for the green leaves. Give it up, it's the first for sure. Better lay low, 'cause the po-po creep when they roll, so [oh, no

this is the life on the first of the month. the soup kitchens clear out, streets aren't as busy, action slows down in the shelters and speeds up in the SROs, for the po-pos and the down low's (men that live a gay lifestyle but are on the DL about it. this life of addiction takes its worst toll on the first (beginning) of the month. the temptation too much for many to bear. the sound, of just one more time and thats all you need, yeah, until you come down from that high. so many of the men i see everyday are in slavery. they cannot stop and it breaks my heart.

pray for the first of the month.