wasting time

all the things i should be doing: packing, studying for stats, cleaning out the fridge, replying to e-mails...

all the things i am doing: thinking deeply, reading what i want to read, writing in this journal...

what? what day is it?

apathy. somehow i've forgotten about lolita, a 5 year old that will die this year, along with 10 million other children. i forgot about the 38 million people infected with AIDS. I forgot about robert from chicago who makes a minimum wage that's not even close to what's needed for cost of living.

i'm tired of being self-absorbed, self-involved and in need of self-help. restlessness came in at the same time as apathy. i could tell you what a bad combination that is but i don't have the time.

today i realized just how far from home i really am. when did this happen? how did i de-rail quite this much. all that's significant seems insignificant. is it okay to take time and work it out? i've wasted so much time already. this cloudy perspective needs to be cleared up and fast.

i hate getting the wake up call but it's worse when you've been sleeping for days on end. how did i sleep through all of that. now that i'm awake its time to face the day no matter how hard that might be.

lolita, robert, africa i'm coming. sorry for the detour.

walking on ice

this man walks across an ice pond every day because the walk is shorter. in walking across this pond he misses the opportunity to talk to all of his friends on the road. it's getter warmer and with warmth, the pond doesn't feel as safe and there's actually a crack emerging. still, this man walks across the pond hoping that he doesn't fall through. the ice will break if he continues on this way. either something needs to change or something is going to break.

why doesn't this man get off the pond as soon as it feel unsafe, unsettling, unsturdy? why does he push the envolope? why do any of us? does it make the change or break easier? no.