fixed glasses... get here

my contact fell out today... my vision is quite screwed up... something tells me thought that this isn't the only day this happens...

oh to see it through yur eyes
to know your perspective
to take this viel of judgement of my face
escaping inconsisency
'cause you never change
getting past this circumstancial grace

perceptions. misconceptions. perspective. there's no way of knowing that how even the color yellow looks to me is the same as how it looks to you. can we learn to appreciate different perceptions and perspectives not as often labelling them as misconceptions. i guess it has to do with discernment... more to come

sklighhri@#$!fjih

do you ever feel like this and does your mind ever look like this?

akjsdkdjjtosprkih fjfkiosr;igju jgjigieoas;dfkj gnjfkioas;rkligjgiae fjgioae;rolig gfjieo;aslfihj gjfshitkias;dflogihjfd fjifog;aelifg fjugkioa;jbnrtiroae;oihgj rejiaore;'oiidfhioghj a'frpoirehj9re90gfios'o; gjgirejihjuiu kdfjigikja @#$%%&ksoigfoihj alkfdgjn%%$#@! hgsiorgoihgaskjrghg pd fjhiogu gfdkojug

leaving town?

bolivia i missed you tonight. what a shame. lately i've been missing africa, kentucky, chicago, australia, costa rica, spain, egypt, russia and the dominican republic. the funny thing is i haven't even been to some of those places. someone once told me that you can't miss something that you never had or somewhere you've never been. i disagree. i think that you can. its rare but sometimes you can miss it even more.

maybe i haven't tasted or seen but i often know what could be and for dreamers that's enough. hate those expectations, don't you? "dreamin all the time is not foolish"-- are you sure? sometimes i'm not. it may not be foolish but i can think of a lot of other things it isn't too. but back to those places i've missed...

i miss them because there isn't enough time to think about them. sometimes i forget about them because the wall of my dorm room surrounds me. this past year has brought the term "taylor bubble" to a whole new level. sometimes i just don't have it in me to care about all the things close to his heart. i want to, oh do i... but it is too much. i miss those places because i'm just not able to go there or i can't go back or maybe even because other people i know can't go there or can't go back. who knows?

i do know this... part of me would change everything if i could do it again but at the same time too much of me would change nothing. for now i'll wait for airline prices to drop a bit and for my budget to increase until then... i'm makin' ends meat. sometimes i think thats how he wants it.

-- ruth haley barton says... "as strange as it may sound, desperation is a really good thing in the spiritual life. desperation causes us to be open to radical solutions, willing to take all manner of risk in order to find what we are looking for. desperate ones seek with an all-comsuming intensity, for they know their life depends on it."

desperation can take you for a ride... some radical solutions fail but what would have happened if the risk wasn't taken. i learned a lot from taking risks but at the same time i've learn that some risks burn you. too bad i had to touch that stove. the scar is still here. thank god fire refines but that intense heat... man... makes it too hot sometimes to even think about traveling to bolivia, spain, egypt, australia, russia, africa, kentucky, chicago or the dominican republic. sorry... i'm comin soon... but this summer i've already got plans.

paradox

do you ever wish you were a senior that lived off campus yet you're going to be in the skit for english hall chapel? do you ever check your blog profile to see what your favorite movies are? are you ever thankful and resentful at the same time? do you ever recognize the truth and then in ten minutes have no recollection of it? have you ever broken the habit of biting your nails but started doing drugs instead? have you been tired of being misunderstood yet aren't angry because you don't even understand yourself? do you say you love the rain but secretly love sunny days too and even more sometimes? or maybe the other way around? have you ever ran away because you didn't trust yourself to stay? have you ever had the desire to speak but don't because you don't know why... yeah you do. no? i have.

princess barbie and ken's little brother

sometimes i wish there was just a return policy in life. wouldn't that be a nifty procedure? first of all, the word nifty would probably be exchanged. no not probably , definitely. other times i'm glad that i can't take things back, that He forgot to leave a gift reciept.

it seems that these mistakes and the circumstances of my life become both a blessing and a curse. no i'm not thankful for some of the "gifts" that i have recieved but if you get a princess barbie for your 6th birthday and keep it sealed in the box you'll see it's value eventually. I've got a lot of barbies in boxes but they haven't been in there for long. I'm not thankful.

every so often i get a big picture view at those "i couldn't stand up strait if i was a real person" dolls fastened away in their plastic/cardboard chambers. i realize the wisdom in keeping them secure instead of opening them up and making them susceptable to brothers, scissors, markers and dogs.

sadly to say though, i had a friend... oh you know it... a barbi-lover. because of peer pressure, the way she gluttonously eyed the barbies tucked away in the duffle bag in the closet, I took those highly dangerous dolls for the childs self-image and esteem (in my opinion--just read our barbies, ourselves by EmilyPrager, you'll agree), out of safe keeping. now i have a whole lot of worthless dolls, a ruined self image and i haven't seen that friend in years.

i've taken a lot of the worthless, undesirable gifts out of the box that could have been of value, while i never did get that powerwheels from santa... i wish often times that i learned by seeing my aunt auction her preserved toys for a lot of $$... then i wouldn't have open those damn dolls. the truth is i did. i'm learning now, the thought of what could have been hurts. barbie's shoes are gone, her complexion looks a lot like the grinch's and whoever cut her hair needs to go back to hair professionals for another term.

that doll might be no benefit to me now but maybe now i can buy ken's little brother or malabu kelly save it in its package and give it to some one younger to save... or maybe they will open it up when their glottun friend comes over. most likely it won't be as tempting because there will be talking, teleporting barbie by then or perhaps microsoft will have put matel out of business. regardless, even though i didn't want them, i'm glad i didn't bring those dolls back to the store and actually, i still have some tucked away in another crate in the back of the closet... i should probably give it to someone too... probably should.

working on being thankful still...

thought of the day

i'm a snail...

i've got a city love

city streets, the smell of ethnic cuisine, people everywhere-- each with their own story. stories i want to know... i want to live and breathe. but in u-town i stay, just for a bit, but for now, even if its only 4 days, i'm living this. thank you Jesus.

someday we'll know...

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these."
--George Washington Carver

someday... i believe in someday. i have to at this point in time. probably always should. someday is kind of like morning... it always comes, right bh? there's a chance that someday won't come but i'm willing to believe that it will. i take it for more than its worth and hold on to its light when dark and i seem to be such great friends. wonderful.

as i wait though for that day... i want to make sure that i'm not letting the others pass me by. so many thoughts so many words have came in this week, some have stayed and others have left. i often wish the ones that stayed maybe would have left and visa versa. i'm learning that hard isn't necessarily bad and good won't always be scary. though, i often forget these things i learn. but i don't forget what you say. no i don't. now don't you forget that.

and so it is...

the bittersweet sounds of the past revive unwanted accounts. what most would like to forget: two examples in my so called life exhibit excatly why they can't be suppressed. although, it is sometimes hard to understand why not.

"so it is just like you said it would be... life goes easy on me... most... of the time..." somewhat comforting words turn phlegmatic... disensitization runs rampid in the eternal past and decisive present.

"and so it is... just like you said it should be.... we'll both forget the breeze... most... of the time" nothing comes as a suprise; nothing a reality. no, it's not halarious. halarious that it's still going on? the jokes on you and me. no ones laughing but neither are the tears coming.

here i remain in the silence, the noise has become an abduction, one that cannot be reversed. part of me: relieved the other part: aprehensive.

how's that for ambiguious...

driving force

when desire dies, fear is born.
- Baltasar Gracian (spainish philosopher)

in addition, the things we fear are often times the same things we desire, but the pain of not recieiving what we desire drives us into fear instead.

i wish i didn't kill my desires so quickly...