through the windshield
thought i would throw ambiguous out the window tonight...
here i sit in the galleria late in the evening, knowing full well that i need to study. i also sit knowing full well that tomorrow is the last day of finals, the last day to see many for a long time and i'm in denial. last year i felt ready to leave this placein a sense... for them to leave... even relieved at some points. this year... oh this year.
there are a lot of things i wish i could have changed about this year. i might call it the hardest of my life. it's been a year of sadness, regret, loss, survival, disappointment, hurt, failure, change. i've never missed myself or my friends more than this year. i've never wanted to jump out of my skin and rush god into forming me more quickly into what he has intended me to be-- without the doubting faith of thomas. i've never felt so humbled or so inadequate in the presence of those i love, those i've hurt. i've never come so close to self-contempt.
be careful when you ask god to break you of your pride. by all means do it but be ready for him to be faithful. i wasn't. i wasn't ready to face myself. i wasn't ready to have my faith comepletely rocked. i wasn't ready for everything that i clung to besides him to be ripped from my grasp. i wasn't ready to stop living and start surviving. i wasn't ready to lose my best friend... and other ties too.
in this unprepared state i had pushed people away. i became somewhat of a monster. i gave in to temptation. i accepted substitutes for the real thing. i stopped laughing and joking and became very intense. when dissatisfied with myself i shut others out. i couldn't articulate much of any thought so i often said nothing. i lost my presence and concern in many lives of those i love.
do i believe in spiritual warfare? yes i do. do i believe that i have been blessed beyond belief with wonderful connections and deep friendship that show me who christ is? yes i do. do i believe that satan hated it and saw the threat arising? yes i do. do i believe that a lot is broken in life because of that? yes i do.
so now what? i sit in a state of irresolution and uncertainty-- writing, writing what i don't say, what i wish i said, what i couldn't have said. why? i don't really know. i might regret it tomorrow. i want to be a more christlike woman. i want to portray his love and character to those around me. to you, i know you are reading. i've failed. i appologize for any hurt i've caused you this year. i didn't want it to happen. i didn't want to miss you all the time. i didn't want to seem uninterested or unconcerned about you and who you are. all of you.
so here i leave it. i leave this past year. i want to leave the sadness, regret, loss, survival, disappointment, hurt, failure, change. i do but i don't know if it works like that. i won't forget and probably won't stop feeling those things but as i do more evaluating and seeking he will use those things to form me further into that new creation... further into a 1 Cor. 13 lover... that is my prayer for both you and me.
let him make us more like him... make us all more like him as we enter this summer and a new semester next year, some doing things we love others things we hate, others things we are nervous about... knowing it isn't where we are or what we are doing but where our hearts are. i want mine and your heart to be changed so that when we meet again we will be able to shine who he is on one another so much more clearly... selflessly... if that's not what i'm about... i don't want to be about anything.
here i sit in the galleria late in the evening, knowing full well that i need to study. i also sit knowing full well that tomorrow is the last day of finals, the last day to see many for a long time and i'm in denial. last year i felt ready to leave this placein a sense... for them to leave... even relieved at some points. this year... oh this year.
there are a lot of things i wish i could have changed about this year. i might call it the hardest of my life. it's been a year of sadness, regret, loss, survival, disappointment, hurt, failure, change. i've never missed myself or my friends more than this year. i've never wanted to jump out of my skin and rush god into forming me more quickly into what he has intended me to be-- without the doubting faith of thomas. i've never felt so humbled or so inadequate in the presence of those i love, those i've hurt. i've never come so close to self-contempt.
be careful when you ask god to break you of your pride. by all means do it but be ready for him to be faithful. i wasn't. i wasn't ready to face myself. i wasn't ready to have my faith comepletely rocked. i wasn't ready for everything that i clung to besides him to be ripped from my grasp. i wasn't ready to stop living and start surviving. i wasn't ready to lose my best friend... and other ties too.
in this unprepared state i had pushed people away. i became somewhat of a monster. i gave in to temptation. i accepted substitutes for the real thing. i stopped laughing and joking and became very intense. when dissatisfied with myself i shut others out. i couldn't articulate much of any thought so i often said nothing. i lost my presence and concern in many lives of those i love.
do i believe in spiritual warfare? yes i do. do i believe that i have been blessed beyond belief with wonderful connections and deep friendship that show me who christ is? yes i do. do i believe that satan hated it and saw the threat arising? yes i do. do i believe that a lot is broken in life because of that? yes i do.
so now what? i sit in a state of irresolution and uncertainty-- writing, writing what i don't say, what i wish i said, what i couldn't have said. why? i don't really know. i might regret it tomorrow. i want to be a more christlike woman. i want to portray his love and character to those around me. to you, i know you are reading. i've failed. i appologize for any hurt i've caused you this year. i didn't want it to happen. i didn't want to miss you all the time. i didn't want to seem uninterested or unconcerned about you and who you are. all of you.
so here i leave it. i leave this past year. i want to leave the sadness, regret, loss, survival, disappointment, hurt, failure, change. i do but i don't know if it works like that. i won't forget and probably won't stop feeling those things but as i do more evaluating and seeking he will use those things to form me further into that new creation... further into a 1 Cor. 13 lover... that is my prayer for both you and me.
let him make us more like him... make us all more like him as we enter this summer and a new semester next year, some doing things we love others things we hate, others things we are nervous about... knowing it isn't where we are or what we are doing but where our hearts are. i want mine and your heart to be changed so that when we meet again we will be able to shine who he is on one another so much more clearly... selflessly... if that's not what i'm about... i don't want to be about anything.
posted by ek at 1:05 AM
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